One of those typical evenings in our house….
As my Other Half and I sink comfortably into the couch and congratulate ourselves on our comatose son – Peanut a familiar sound reaches us. I swear I can hear something. It is a stir and some whimpering. Pretty certain there was a stir. And a tiny tiny whimper
Second check. I can hear nothing. Nothing is good or is it? Nothing could mean the Baby was kidnapped. Or has been attacked by Mr Duck. If looks could kill my Other Half would be annihilated in that very second.
“I told you not to leave Mr Duck in the cot. Mr Duck could be to our Baby what the Asteroid was to Siberia last week”.
We don’t dare to move a muscle, our ears directed towards the nursery. Still nothing. Nothing is good. Nothing could mean the Baby is asleep or could it…
Time for the Operation Check if Peanut is OK and Avoid the Bloody Creaking Floors.
Still nothing and I decide that maybe this is not good news. My Other Half is hypnotised by a bunch of men chasing a ball on our flatscreen TV. I realise I am on my own and I am on a mission to check how Peanut is doing. I tiptoe into the hallway. It is dark and cold, the vast plain of the beige carpet ahead of me.
The first creak is loud, I swear and focus – breathe in and out, in and out and get into the zone. Inspired by the Swan Lake I take a few quick steps and manage a pirouette before I stop on the door leading to the nursery. Now, there is one thing you should know about our flat. It is modern and lovely and warm and cosy and not Peanut – Proof ..yet …but… the floors creak and that wakes Peanut up. That means my daily precious 180 minutes drooling in front of TV are gone and that makes me upset. Over the last few months my Other Half and I have devised ways of Beating the Big Creak. Here are some of our top strategies:
a) The Swan Lake tip toe, pirouette and stop on the door – high risk of bruised face and shattered teeth, the Creak Factor 4 out of 10
b) Stomp stamp stomp bang the door stomp stamp stomp – it is quick but the Creak Factor is 8 out of 10 plus all the additional noise
c) Slow motion steps – one giant step for me one giant step for the baby – takes ages but the Creak Factor is only 2 out of 10. I recommend it for the advert breaks.
d) And the crawl – slowly slowly very slowly I creep and crawl and it takes an eternity to get there and back but the Creaking Factor is only 1 out of 10
As I crawl towards the cot I hear the noise – a bit of snoring and gurgling accompanied by a loud fart and more snoring. Having assessed the situation I decide not to compromise Peanut’s safety and remove Mr Duck out of the Sleepy Zone. Pits, pack, crack, get out. Time for the last check – “Is His Face OK” test and I reach for my tool – the mobile phone screen. The world stops moving. Holding in my breath (thanks to my Power Yoga teacher I can hold it in for a very long time) I hover the screen above Peanut’s face. Yap, seems fine until the picture of my Other Half pops up on it to the theme tune from Psycho
“What?” Why has nobody invented soundless whispers yet? Why is he calling me from next door? Oh, yeah, the floors.
“Is he ok?”
I hang up and leave.